Which way?

I'm going to be unashamed about my excitedness for thinking about this, and in doing so get more excited about it.

I feel like lately I have had choices between two good things, the most obvious one recently being Japan and France, and have not found a good way to make the decision between the two. You can't have both. And yet I keep thinking about it. But it's like flipping a coin over and over, not being able to stop, trying to decide when things are decided, and ever approaching that 50% for both sides, making the decision look less and less... decisive.

Haha, I'm done with this freewrite. That's decided.

Soul stutter

My uncle in Oklahoma was found unconscious in his house last morning US time, so about 20 hours ago? He's currently in the critical care unit of a hospital out there. My mom's flying out there this morning. That's all she said and that's all I know at this point. I can only wait, here.

From that, I don't know where exactly to go. A song in my head right now is "Love Is the End" by Keane, off their new album, which I was so excited about a month ago when it came out without my initially knowing it. But right now, the question in my head is, "the end" of what? I haven't paid enough attention to the lyrics. The end of what? It's the end of the album, at least, but further than that, what?

Further than this, what?

There's frisbee. Again, there's frisbee. I went with a few friends to Osaka this weekend to play frisbee with people I assumed would be better than us. They weren't, but they did do a tournament last month, so we did go for and receive competitive play. I haven't really enjoyed that thrill for awhile. I wish I played in more games in high school, got over myself for a little while. There's still time in college...

haha, but I won't force myself on that. I wonder what opportunities for frisbee there are in France. If any. I wonder what I'll be doing if I go there...

It gets really cold here in Japan. Well, I shouldn't use the present tense there; how would I know? It's only been a few days. Not enough data. I think that's why I haven't been able to make decisions so easily. I still don't know whether I'm staying here. I'm going to have to make a decision soon because my mom wants to book plane tickets. I'm gonna start applying for the visa anyway so I might as well pick France now and save some time.

But I've learned so much...

...Japanese. At least. That's not limited against other things, like about myself, about other people, about peace, about unstable peaces. Like Ben Franklin said, though, was there ever a bad peace? But anyway, I think it might be time to go. I will email CUPA (Center for University Programs Abroad) and ask them whether they have succeeded in finding an introductory abstract algebra course for me. They probably haven't. That, too, will influence my decision. Would've helped if Greg and/or Justine were going there, too. Que vous êtes fous!

I noticed that sp¹ was updated yesterday, but I couldn't find where the update was. I guess it was the reversal to draft of the last post. Makes sense, though, to end the blog more visibly on the high note Ashish unknowningly ended it on. There are a lot more exclamation points on that blog than on this one. Maybe our souls need a little stuttering.

In the good way.

I'm back, for now. Time to go play frisbee. I'm hoping, praying that this won't go bad tomorrow, today, in that separate time space, whenever, or that it hasn't already gone bad. Please pray with me.

I'm bringin' mojo back

I'm listening to one of my favorite albums ever, and it's one of those great three albums that came out in the summer of 2006. Keane's Under the Iron Sea album. SO perfect- and the guy sung perfectly in concert too, everything was perfect, just, wow.

This is the kind of album that channels my creative energy and just puts it all out there. But, right now, it's coming slowly. Thanks to all this mathematical analysis, I pause too frequently to make sure everything's right. I haven't really been able to just put it out there--especially not today at work; today was completely wrong, just wrong--but I think it's getting time that my creative spirit revive for me. And it's doing that, I'm pretty sure.

There was this one day that was just kind of bad at work, a few weeks ago, and for some reason I just broke down. I'm not afraid to admit it. I died, felt horrible, went to sleep, woke up a creative zombie, and I felt everything come back. Piano, I got the lyricism back. DDR, I remembered what's good and what's bad. Frisbee, I knocked down like 5 passes. Math, I got a corollary. But forget math for now. I still don't see how math involves being creative. Being creative is pulling something out of a formless nothing. Doing math is always pulling back from something with a lot of form, too much form. I'm getting sick of it--just in time for a year of no math.

The one thing I don't like about this is that I look in the mirror and I can see these ugly bags in my eyes. What I've been looking for since the end of senior year was a way to be this creative and not have this horrendous feature on my face that seems to indicate I'm not fully alive--to separate sleeplessness from getting shit done and having fun doing it.

That's what I had freshman year, first semester. I know, I know--but not everyone has a good first semester. I did. I don't intend to relive it; but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to have what I'm talking about. Especially during the summer.

Well, work ends in 12 days. Good.

By the way, that makes three friends in about a week talking about going somewhere far away and not coming back (one of them actually did it--though I haven't hung out with him seriously since before high school started). Make sure you know that's fantasy, or at least a fantasy called the unknown, distant future. I shouldn't be talking (junior year ahoy, raise the top-sail), but I guarantee you I'll come back. And I already know I'll miss home. But I knew that before I left for Michigan. I already missed home.

I'll point out something, though--the end of the freewrite below is one of the best things I've seen in a long time... it's in another world, though... be not confused; it's not this one.

And sometimes worlds intersect.

Been awhile.

I'm not even writing in my summer journal-- what's up with me?? And there's not too much time left to start really filling it up; I'm gonna be busy, busy, busy. Oh well. At least once I'm done with, um, surgery, I'll have plenty of time to sit on my ass and put pen to paper.

Well, here's some thoughts for today. Or... well, the day's over, the night's descended as a new Monday begins. So, so much for that. But it's about muffins!

So I was making muffins this morning, well, this early afternoon, and I cracked an egg on the table and it made the most delightful sound: it sounded exactly like when Yoshi breaks out of his egg in Super Mario World! Virtual reality is invading reality and staying, I swear. After everything was done and out of the oven (they were PERFECT today; for some reason, they take longer to bake if you put thicker milk in them), I spread what I thought was blueberry spread on it. Then I looked at the jar and saw that it was black raspberry spread. It was only when I ate the next muffin that I realized what it tasted like.

Strange; I wonder why that is. Are some of my aesthetic senses turning off? Do I have to look at something and know it's good beforehand in order to really enjoy it? I fear this is part of growing up, somehow... something's getting screwed up, or turning off. Or something.

Maybe what I'm missing is the really critical, intense atmosphere I experienced at the Prep. In that case, well, haha, that's fine c'est bien I can do without it.

No; I'm just getting older. Soon I won't be old enough to make a mathematical discovery on my own, or a really cool one, or something, because my brain will be so incapable. Wait, what? What exactly did they say?

Should I care? And what exactly characterizes being 20 years old?

We're apparently the dumbest generation ever

And by "us" I mean everyone who's currently thirty years old and younger. Wow!

Thanks, Professor Baudelaire OH I mean Bauerlein. Hey, Bauerlein, do you get that reference? NO, probably not, because Baudelaire wrote in French! See, I can rub my academic balls in your face too.

It's more like he's the dumbest professor ever. See what his students think about him after he publishes this. Actually, he probably already doesn't give a shit about them, if you look at what he says on the slideshow there.

Rims are spinning Up

Nobody ever capitalizes the last word of a title for no reason. Well, I just did it. Check that off today's "I did it, u didn't" list.

Um. Anyway.
Yeah. I've got an interesting topic, if you want. I got to thinking about how for some reason I still take songs, cut them and put DDR steps to them. And sometimes I just sit there, just, thinking for a few minutes about what to put down. Why? It's just DDR steps, right? Well, there are other people on the wide-world (wild world?) Internet that do the same, so I'm not alone. What do I (and we) see in these arrows that other people don't?

That's a great thing, that mystery. The fact that we see something there, something nice. What is it, exactly? That's the mystery. Something that feels right and precious. There's something very musical about it, but even there-- there's a lot of people that just aren't that into music. Like my roommate. I guess it's great to have something of your own that you can see that other people can't fully see. It's part of your personality. That's what's great about creative endeavors--you can see... yourself.

You know, this whole school year I've been living without a mirror in my room, because Reslife is too lazy to give me one. It's been really different from last year. And not as great. I think I would've liked my room a lot better, my dorm a lot better if I could've checked every now and then to make sure I'm still there, despite this place (this dorm. this evil dorm).

Yes. You can see yourself-- if that sounds narcissistic, does "find yourself" sound better? Either way...

And that made me think about religion. What's so great about spiritual experiences? Being able to see things that people can't see.

Then again, religion is also about union with other people, and supposedly about seeing the same thing together. Well, you can try to see the same thing together, but you can't be sure that you're actually seeing the same thing. Or that you're even looking for the same thing. I guess that's why religion is so damn confusing.

Maybe I'm wrong about two paragraphs ago. See? Religion is so confusing!



Anyway. Time to wonder about love, and other things more interesting, more interesting for the next few moments. I've watered this topic too much; it needs time to grow further.

Great. Now I'm speaking in platitudes (see a freewrite or two ago).

I WANNA GO HOME -- and be free to just be!

Even More Technology!

Ahoy! All freewrites begin with "Ahoy!"

I love tradition, and I love new technology, and I love how they mix so perfectly. I love math, and I love hearing my friend bitch about how he doesn't understand some of it, and I love getting higher grades faster. What a great place. I found yet another program that's not a web browser through which I can share my freewrites with you. This one is even more generic: "Blog Entry Poster".

Every time I find a new way to post, I'm going to do so immediately without discretion.

Peace out.

I Love Technology

Ahoy! All freewrites begin with "Ahoy!"

I'm posting this through E-MAIL!

That's right, E-MAIL!

Now that I've got Ubuntu running on my laptop, I can use Evolution to manage my e-mail again, and that makes it pure awesome. I see no reason to continue using the Internet any other way. All I need now is a means of accessing Wikipedia through email... and you know, it's not that far-fetched of an idea. All you'd need is a little daemon running on e-mail requests to fetch the page content and serve it back to you. I might write one of those soon. Wouldn't that be amazing?

School has become intense. Even my weekends are dedicated to doing work, sometimes really tedious work. I'm not sure I'm going to pass all of my classes because so much of the grades depend on so much of the tedious work that's hard to get done correctly and on time.

It feels good to write again. I've been writing in private a lot to relieve some of the stress. Reducing my social contact to almost nothing has its cost. I'm also not able to read as much as I'd like to, although every time I pick up another Orson Scott Card book in the Ender's Game series I end up just reading all night instead of sleeping and reaping the consequences throughout the next day. He's dangerous, I tell you.

Tonight I also finally got a chance to relax and play some video games. I'm completely burned out; this chance to completely immerse myself in a military simulation was so reviving, I might as well have been sleeping. After all this abstract traditional mathematics and concrete applied engineering, it's a relief to employ my mental resources designing combat strategy on the fly as a squad leader and devoting more energy to reflex action (not to mention I get to yell at my subordinates when they're insubordinate).

Playing violent games also gets the desire for violence out of my system. Sometimes when I get frustrated, I instinctively aim to remove the source of the problem, which so often is only through the removal of persons who exist as obstacles. Rational thought continually prevents me from ever even planning anything so ridiculous, but the instinct is still there. When I'm immersed in a game, though, the problems seem more immediate, more dangerous, more real, and the problems are life-threatening. Solving these by eliminating virtual foreigners completely removes the need to do the same in real life to real people. Usually a fix once in a week works fine.

Playing violent games makes me less violent. Strange.

I have a book you should all read that you've probably never heard of. Read "The Baron in the Trees", by Italo Calvino (translated from Italian by good old Archibald--what a name). I was quite impressed.

Now I'm unsure; do I end this freewrite e-mail like I end e-mails with my signature, or do I end it like I end freewrites?

I suppose it's not really an e-mail; it's been abstracted to a medium.

Peace out.

"We'll make love, and then laughter"

- Common.

Our Spring Fling was incredible. Common did this amazing freestyle which threw in tons of lines about specific places on Tufts, and his performance was so clean and smooth that it was just amazing. His final act was "The Light" (my favorite song of his) whose background the DJ then switched to the instrumental of "Flashing Lights." That was clever, and awesome.

But Dropkick stole the show.

Dropkick Murphys... wow, that shit was fun. Mosh pit, crowdsurfing (well, I didn't crowdsurf but the mosh pit was fun), I saw tons of people I haven't seen for awhile and we had a lot of fun, and I even saw Rich Granara. Kid's going to Dublin and China for the summer and the spring, which is pretty cool. He told me this funny story about someone we know, too... I'll tell you later. And

Marvelous. Dropkick can really perform, and their songs are absolutely perfect for jumping and jigging to.

And now a French paper. And then the finals. And then FREEDOM!

Finish him

Ugh, I hate math problem sets that just don't FINISH. It's the most frustrating thing ever.

This guy, right--- he's gained weight since college started. Either that or it just seemed more like it at night. He's a stunner during the day, rides heavy at night? Either way, I still want him. That guy's you, Greg.

Just kidding (about the want part, not the weight part-- greg, i'm going to send you a jane fonda tape and force you to watch it). The guy I'm actually referring to I saw tonight, and will probably be seeing when I go abroad. Sweet. Man... why did spring come so late? He might like me too, so I mean...

Hay fever hit me bad the past two days, and I'm hoping it's over now. Well, at least with the help of Claritin.

"My roommate speaks to me in platitudes from literary criticism!"

Residue

In less than twelve hours I have a test on complex variables, including concepts like "residue" and "poles." Sometimes I feel like this math course is just residue. Seriously

The time of maximum free time is coming close. Sooo close. As a result, of course, all of this time is wildly occupied by, pun warning, complex things. But the spring is peeking through.

Friday was a great day for DDR. Saturday I ran for 15 minutes about (my legs were too deadened from the day before) and then DDR again, haha. This guy just gave me a bunch of tokens after he saw me play; I guess he bought twenty dollars' worth and he wasn't gonna spend them all. Later that day I had an allergic reaction because of some dining hall worker's laziness (failure to put up a card showing the ingredients of the brown rice pilaf... with walnuts. who the fuck puts walnuts in rice?) and missed half of a good hip-hop dance show in a Benadryl-induced nap. I had just gotten my breathing back to a perfect level, too. Fuck. Argh.

I think I'm going to try to either run or play DDR every day of this week, though. It's about fucking time; I'm tired of being inactive. I guess I'm going to have to figure out a running route, or use the gym, which I've actually never done here. or anywhere. (end confession.) Scrape off the residue that ended up here when the work piled up onto me. Actually, it's still piling up. Boo.

The Day of Silence is tomorrow. Well, technically tomorrow I mean.

Wow, 102 seconds just passed without me realizing it too much. No good. I've got to get back into intellectual shape for this test tomorrow. And remember to try to get myself in better physical shape tomorrow too.

So many shapes we all have to contort ourselves to. Silently.

Whoa

When I was madly scribbling down notes for a 10+ page paper for Japanese lit, I wrote this:

· We think we have no choice because we're used to things ending up alright if we let other people choose

I was talking more specifically about choices for one's own future, but every choice you make is a choice for your own future.

Do you think it's right? I think it's pretty cool, anyway. I wrote it down back in December.

Sim simma... pass me the keys to my beamer

I'm scurrying along, for these last few weeks of precious sophomore year, as I head towards the finish line. Let me not be the hare relative to the tortoise. Let me be the hare relative to the starting line, at least! I've got to get going. I have an essay to write about why I want to go study abroad in Japan, and a mission to fax this and other important application documents out by tomorrow night, and then to mail the documents out because apparently it's not official enough if I fax the documents. Oh yeah, I guess it has to do with this signature business. Well, as my roommate would say in this situation, having finally understood it: "Good enough, I guess."

Yeah, I had a realization over spring break that I can go to Japan over the fall and not have to stay through January. If this were France, on the other hand, I would have to stay 'til maybe even the beginning of February. So I switched around my plans and decided to go Japan-Paris. I love telling people about all this when it isn't exactly set in stone. You can bank on Paris happening in the Spring (puisqu'it can't happen in the fall anymore because the deadline is well past) but Japan is making me shiver in my boots a little, since the program I'm applying to is rolling admission and they say they start getting a gajillion applications around this time. So eek! And other things.

I really want to talk about my sex life (e.g. speculate about it) but I don't think that'll go down very well, so I'ma ditch that topic. Next. Actually, I'll just say that I'm excited about it, if you want to further inquire (unlikely).

I took out like 10 CDs from the music library, which are all old-school rap with the exception of one CD. Daler Mendhi. I tried to listen to it but that wasn't so successful with my roommate here so, well, maybe some other time. Unfortunately, no Tunak Tunak Tun. How can you be a greatest hits CD and not have Tunak Tunak Tun?

Apart from the Japanese study abroad forms, I'm supposed to be reading French poems and preparing for an oral presentation. Actually, I probably have to do that by tonight. Boo. So it goes

Also, math. math math math blah blah blah

Apart from that, Tufts is wonderful as usual, with the exception of staying in this room and hearing the word "lawl" every fucking time my roommate opens his mouth. I'm now on an "embargo" as far as replies go. O, grab me.

Who is this guy posting?

Hey,

I just got my (not mine, but another) computer back from HP after roughly 2.5 months! I had a 2 year warranty on my old one so when my fan broke, I sent it in for repair. I finally complained at a sufficiently aggravating level during the last week of February at the delays involved in the repair. I was told 7-10 more business days ~5 times. So they sent me a new computer! Which brings me to restoring my data from a backup hard disk and seeing the link to this blog in my favorites! Here I am now!

How's things going guys? I haven't talked / seen you since winter break. Is anyone staying at college this summer (Ashish)? I'll be back in Danvers sometime in May, unfortunately.

New news (redundant?) for me:

• This semester's been pretty good. Classes are interesting, meaning, I actually go to them. Got drunk and misbehaved a few times. You know the story.

• Started climbing regularly again. I now have a new climbing partner for topropping again (hope I don't become infatuated with her and fuck it up like last time).

• I'm pretty sure I'm graduating from BU in 2011 with a BA in Environmental Science and MA in Environmental Remote Sensing. This will lead me to a job to repay my debt, then off to get my masters hopefully by the time I'm 25! Then academia here I come! Who the hell ever thought I'd become (or want to become) a professor? Certainly not me. Staying in academia and tapping into the youthful "spirits" of my students will hopefully keep me young. Just kidding about sleeping with students... I'm more interested in the relative freedom of research I'd enjoy, especially in the summers. Furthermore, my favorite professors get paid to go to places like Hawaii, the White Mountains, Ecuador, etc. to do research. I don't want money anyways.
• What do you get when you substitute the OH group of molecule of Lysergic Acid with Dimethyl Amide? Something that I have 10 hits of in my freezer! Yes, that's right. I'm going to trip balls. I figure I'm just taking my fondness for sensory alteration to it's logical end. First I deprived myself of sleep to alter myself, then onto pot and shrooms, and I'll hit the end of the road with this fun new substance. I'll probably also try DMT and peyote, but those substances are next door neighbors to this new one.
• Got me an apartment with 3 other friends, including Mr. Matthew Lysiak, out in Alston (party!) for next year. This means I'll say farewell to Danvers hopefully for good. Yippie! One more summer.

Speaking of the summer, I'm almost not dreading it! At the very least, not as much as last year's. Perhaps it's due to my quasi friendships with people I work with. I at least know I'll be able to get some partying in. FSM let me not lose my job over that. Anyway, got my guitars, bike, climbing partner (hopefully), decent access to drugs, and even more hopefully, you friends from high school.

Expect another entry after I take some of my new substances! I think Matt is doing it with me too... unexpected, huh?

Chris

The last thing I wrote looks really stupid

But at least I can renege. Is that spelled right? I've never used it in writing.

I cleaned my room today and I feel much better inside it. However, I really think my roommate needs to completely clean his part before the room can really be clean again.

Meanwhile, eye contact tells you a lot, but it never helps you learn more, um, and by that I mean specifically what I want to know. Random eye play in places on campus makes me want more. than eye play. Hopefully I see that person again. Hopefully he sees me. I get the feeling he will anyway. But after that? Never been there before.

In any case, I've been wanting to run, but I've been waiting to adjust to the 35-50 degree cold before I start. I've been playing DDR every other day, at least. But that probably won't go on for much longer, and I won't have much access to DDR in the summer (apparently, and at least not cheap or free DDR) so I'm going to have to get one of those things that you can put mp3 players in and strap around your wrist/arm for when you run on a treadmill in some sweaty, boring gym somewhere. I learned that the place that I'm going is apparently a college that expects its students to be grounded in the Christian faith. MY BAD

No, but really, that's kind of what I like about Tufts as opposed to the Prep?

Anyway, this might be a boring 2 months over there. The project won't be boring but the everything else might be, unfortunately. My plan to make up for all this not being in Massachusetts bullshit I'm planning is to be at Tufts for the summer between junior and senior year, and I hope you guys plan likewise. I'll certainly be there for the senior year and for the breaks that I get when I'm abroad, and I can visit colleges for sure if the breaks don't align like the stars do.

In the context of the present now, I'm pretty thrilled. I'm starting to feel better, look better (dare I say it?), think better, chill better, joke better, step better, walk better, but not sleep better, as the spring rolls along. We can get the sleep part fixed. The rest of it is awesome, and I'm pretty excited. I'm living it up now because I won't be able to do so with everyone I know when I'm in Hillary's second favorite state or another continent. Honestly, I'm kind of wary about things changing drastically after I've gone abroad. But I can probably deal with it all. Greg, à Paris! Interdit de stop

Something happened yesterday that I never thought would ever happen. Have you noticed the weird mole thing that was on the left side of my neck? It's gone. Well, the globular part of it that stuck out kind of loosely from my skin, anyway. I ripped it off accidentally: one swipe from putting a shirt on, another from trying to itch the back of my head with my shoulder, gone. It bled profusely, but it didn't hurt at all. It's funny. I thought that if that thing were to ever come off, it would hurt like fuck, like the end of the world. Well, it came off. I wonder where the salient part went.

It's weird. This is something that's been on my neck since I was born. And now it's gone. What? The mole's still there now, and it kind of still hurts if I touch it, but it's much, much smaller now. I thought it would never leave. Why did it pick last night?

I feel a certain vague freedom. Hmm. This feels too much like something from a Murakami story. But it makes more sense than something like that.

Not really stressed. What's up Puffs.

I haven't been stressed for awhile now. Like, no severe aaaargh crises or painful decision making. So there's no reason that I should be having physical trouble breathing deeply.

I figured it out. My mom gave me this 6-pack of Puffs tissues with Bicks in them, er, I mean Vicks, and they claim to be "Vicks-scented." Also known as infested with fucking Vicks. Picture sniffing Vicks every day for 2 months. Well, by blowing my nose in these tissues at a decent rate for the beginning of the spring semester, my chest got used to them. Vicks is supposed to relax your chest, and that's what it does. Now, however, I'm experiencing withdrawal. No, there's no fucking way I want to inhale Vicks ever again, but my chest can't seem to relax on its own and allow me to breathe in deeply when I want to. This is fucking aggravating and I only just figured out the connection between these tissues (which I stopped using about two weeks ago, maybe three) and my inability to breathe deeply. You can't use medicine for a long time without getting dependent on it, usually. Stupid Vicks. Stupid fucking Puffs. I sent them an angry letter, and I hope they read it. Oh, and lastly, stupid me for continuing to use them and not going out and buying other tissues when the concept of inhaling a heavy scent of Vicks whenever I blew my nose already bothered me.

Right now I'm going to try inventing breathing exercises and exercising a lot on my own in order to get the power of deep breathing back. Any suggestions?

April was Freewrite Month

It was. Don't you remember? If you don't, just click on that little arrow next to the "2007" on the sidebar over there, where you can take a look at our older bloggings. Wow, freewrite explosion! We almost had a freewrite a day, and we would've, had it been February. But that didn't happen...

I just went on a Star Fox trip without actually playing the game ("Star Fox") or getting high ("trip"). That's what happens when you look at FAQs of the game for too long. When you're already tired. And now it's 4:43 AM. I'm not doing that again... maybe I will.

I, with hash&hills, went back to visit the Prep, and it's incredibly strange. You know what? You know that hallway where DiMarchi's classroom is, and that unnecessary plasma TV broadcasts the Daily Bulletin? I never feel good walking down that hallway. What is it? I don't know, I don't know. Maybe it's because nothing good ever goes on there, until you get to the DiMarchi end. Then good stuff goes down.

I think we went back too late. December is the best time to go back, because it was pretty awesome back in 2006 when we went: I mean, if college is making us tired by now, just think of what it's like to be a high school teacher right now. Shit...

Apart from this, apart from this, I'm sitting in a chair, my left hand starting to hurt,

Um. Let's start that description again and preserve the classicness of that incomplete line, which doesn't look like it's going anywhere good...

Apart from this, I'm sitting here, staring into a predominantly white computer screen , somewhat on the precipice of cementing my long-term plans for the future. I know what my plans are for the summer, the fall and the spring upcoming, and now I just have to get the forms over and done with. There's something displeasurable about this, even though the product is a pleasure: that's it! -- it's an expected pleasure. What's so pleasurable about math, as Walor so elegantly put it, is the unexpected pleasure--getting something good and cool when you didn't know it'd happen.

Or is that it? Is it the fact that I have to go through something I don't feel like doing, or is it that I don't like to cement my future? I think it's both.

Whatever. This isn't too deep of a freewrite. Nothing I've done recently has been altogether too deep, which I guess shouldn't be too surprising, me being free from the high-school environment where we're practically individual mini-factories of insight and profoundness. (If "profoundness" isn't a word, let it be: "profundity" sounds like a "thud" or a "clunk" or a "crunk"; whoops, what? hahaha) Now we're just individual mini-factories of... productivity. Wait, is that true?

I have a feeling that, like high school, I'll understand college a lot better after I'm gone from it. You know what? Thinking about it right now, in the middle of the night, the blank white screen staring at me intensely, I think it's ridiculous that I looked Porter in the face casually and, without the slightest second-thought blink in my eye, told him that I was planning on being a math professor and going to grad school to pursue it. See, here's the thing: When plans are this big, (which they naturally get when you're at college) ...you get the feeling you're not even thinking. And the funny thing is, I don't know what to think as a result: I kind of like it?

Either way, things aren't as clear as they were in high school, although I get the feeling I'm not nearly as confused as I was back then. But it's not so easy to put something forward and say, "Look at this! This is a perfect product, fresh out of my oven" -- my essays just kind of get done and then forgotten. Problem sets take up half my work now, and the Japanese stuff is often just drilling, so I can't say I've been thinking creatively recently. My mind's been on creative autopilot --THERE! I've finally found the perfect way to describe it! ... does that mean I've just contradicted myself?-- and it's hard to recall what exactly my mind was on before.

--
Haha, it's funny how that statement ended in something that sounds like I'm making a pun on drugs, but it was totally unintended.

My roommate

This one's for you, dude.

"I'm flossing my teeth with my hair," he says. No, not again. How can one man/child come up with so many gross ideas? And yet, that's the case. He's endured one country's mandatory military service, which perhaps means he's learned to be resourceful. Too resourceful. He's eaten baking soda-- at college -- when he was hungry. He's never bought himself a single article of clothing, even though it'd do him some good to get some more white socks so next time he loses it in the laundry he doesn't have to worry too much about it. He should never ever eat hummus again, because I don't need to be reminded of the meaning of the word "flatulence." From time to time, he buys food to snack on in the room. He eats extremely healthy meals and has unimaginably unhealthy snack habits. Man, he spent the entire spring break eating chips. Actually, those were his meals too. He was disappointed tonight when his yogurt was fat free. Disappointed? And it tasted good too! Not according to me! Aaw... what can I say. Pulls game-playing all-nighters very frequently, my night watchman when I sleep. Actually, he gets into such a trance when he's gaming that he probably wouldn't notice if someone busted in and raped me. People talk about their game faces? Well, how about "game head." The central nervous system shuts down like that, I swear.

And still, he's the man.
I salute you, my roommate.

Witty Title

Well, I just spent about five minutes trying to think of a witty title, and then gave up and even forgot to begin this freewrite with the format I defined so long ago. It's time for a freewrite, though. It is very much time for a freewrite. So I want to cover two things. First of all, I'm going to bitch for a bit. Secondly, I'm going to praise Kanye West.

Volume One: the Worst Week Ever (WWE). So I had a really bad week. Yeah, that's about all there is to say. I could go into detail, but it turns out that having your worldview torn apart by a stranger is a fairly common experience, so I'll save y'all the boredom. I bitched in greater detail in my collection of writings (and in concise detail without the rambling in entirely private writings), so if you're really, really anxious to hear the generic, three posts are waiting for you.

Volume Two: Kanye West. I don't like rap; I really, really don't enjoy listening to most of it, although some of the songs are hilarious. Kanye West, on the other hand, seems to strike a good note in my head. It's not the sound that bothers me about rap. The sound doesn't really exist. It's just sort of testosterone translated into rhythm. Kanye West rises above all the other rap "artists" because his lyrics have literary value. It's like listening to something meaningful fit to a relevant rhythm. I've really never encountered that in pop culture before. I can't understand why people don't like him, even if he does steal songs. The ones that are his are incredibly insightful and subtle. Maybe that's it. Some people say really deeply insightful things and don't notice it because they're fucking foolish. Maybe that's the way Kanye West rolls. It doesn't matter, though, because the words he speaks fit the pattern, and the pattern has meaning. He's tapped into something bigger than hip hop, bigger than the medium. It's quite beautiful actually.

That said, life is pretty sweet, although if college is like vacation for you then you're in the wrong major.

Peace out.

Flashing... rights???

I went to Vancouver for a few days--over the long weekend. And I saw this.

FLASHING LIGHTS

This is one of the best music videos I've ever seen. It's just... wow. It's absolutely not what I was expecting considering what the song sounded like to me, and the sudden end (after the climax) is just perfect. You can say what you want about Kanye's arrogance, but he's really no more pretentious than any other rapper out there, really, so, yeah.

Vancouver was great, but the flights fucked up my system and made me sick. That's okay; I'm recovering. I got to play ball hockey (floor hockey?) with my cousin and eight of his friends, and although I can't handle pucks for sheezy, it was still a lot of fun and I scored once, which was good enough. Also, the region is just quite amazing, and the Pacific Northwestern air makes the cooler temperatures a hell of a lot more tolerable than they are here.

It's too bad we don't get a vacation around this time; it'd be nice. But college is vacation-like enough, usually.

I played hockey on Sunday. I still have soreness. What's up? Eh, whatever, plane. I wonder if I could bring a rubber snake onto a plane. There's no rule against that!

For reasons unknown (until the end of this freewrite)

For some reason today, at around 5:35 PM, I just got unreasonably sad or depressed. Why does this always happen on Tuesdays? Why???

Well, seriously, the thing is, I didn't apply to a Tufts program for study abroad. That was a dumb move. I would've felt safe right now that I had done something and I've got to secure an internship for the summer by basically the middle of this month; well, I have to apply, anyway. Is this why I'm stressed out?

I'm going to be honest, too; my social life here is somewhat too low. Last year this was true, too, but last year was better and felt more, well, together. This year...

As I've said before, I hate my dorm, and I still do now. It's not the people (though if I knew more people on my floor I'd probably like it better, whoops my bad), so much as it is the building. The doors are dark, dark brown and the walls are blanched white (is blanched a word? No...) which is an ugly-ass and depressing color scheme, the fan things turn on at 5 AM outside to power a dining hall that students aren't even allowed to use, the lighting in this room is horrible for reasons unknown, and the lounge downstairs is always fucking freezing because of its flawed design (and the recent renovations that our President said we'd enjoy in his email are, um, more like makeup).

I've figured out something, though. This isn't a complete Livejournal post. I've been resolving to do, well, negative things (e.g. drop class, forget about applying to study abroad program, bring less things to school) when I actually need to do stuff. Instead of copping out on the culture class I have I should jump on that homework. Instead of being tired of looking at my computer, go to the gym and run for an hour and come back and feel like I've done something and then look for internships. And in place of sitting in this chair that for some reason makes me feel bad (this happened last year; the dorms all have the same bad chairs), get the fuck to bed. These, myself, are resolutions that I can make.

Yeah, I've gone slightly insane. I'll admit it.

But... I know what I can look forward to.
1. I can look forward to going to France (Greg and I will hypnotize the ladies. Maybe just me. Greg, why are you always having me do things for you? Although I guess I'm just a natural...) and totally sticking out as a foreigner who can speak French better than he can get himself to follow the dressy-essy customs (you're not making me spend 100 dollars for jeans, sorry la ville lumière rouge). And the food is gonna be kick-ass. The bread... OH the pain I mean le pain. Give me some of that. I'm not sure how much I care for the city, though, to be honest... oh well, better than staying here, I think.
2. I can maybe/probably look forward to going to Kyoto, Japan. It's looking like either that or Osaka right now. Engrish t-shirts will make up my entire wardrobe. My entire fucking wardrobe and I can actually buy good clothes that look cool for cheap (trust me: I've done it before in Japan and I can do it again. Japan is much less pricey than France for clothes). I can learn something about the crazily unique culture. I can learn a language in a foreign country while I'm living there! (I basically already know French thanks to staying the course since 7th grade, especially in comparison to Japanese...) I can enjoy the amazing food. Also, Japan's so colorful that everywhere else it feels like I'm colorblind. Okay, that's a lie, but you get what I mean.

This is all a very outlandish bunch of freewriting. I'm trying to make myself feel better. I'd go so far as to quote My Chemical Romance but that would definitely be making me double the shame of myself that I've become already in this no-frills no-shame piece of shit. Gimme the beat!

Back to better in the morning.

Shorty was hot like a toasterrr

Lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo, lo! How fare thee?

It sounds like Flo Rida is saying "Bishounen made me want it" in this song. I don't think so...

The day is gray and sour. But sweet. The clouds may not be clearing, but drivers will be fearing the snow that gets low upon us on this day, I say. Actually, the snow felt like hail. "Il pleut?" said this one apparently French lady as she walked out of Cabot Auditorium. Nope, it isn't pleut pas. And hopefully I'll get to play DDR today at MIT.

I had a necklace I got from the Philippines with beads on it. But one of the attachments broke and all the beads fell like water to the floor. They sounded like water. I was a little stunned. I guess I can't wear it anymore; so it goes. It's time to update my clothes. But if I wait about, oh, seven months, I can do so abroad. And if I wait one year I can do it all in Japan (my goal)!

"From the King of the South to the King of the States
Ridin' in a car you probably never seen in the States"
T.I., You Know What It Is (silent s)

What a perfect rhyme. In French we call that une rime forte--- a "strong rhyme." At least I think that's what we'd call it. In the text box the characters align perfectly: the two words "States" align.

It's 1:46. I think I pretty much woke up my roommate with my typing.

First blog post of the year!

I fell and bumped my head skiing, but I feel like I could create a really good DDR chart right now so maybe it's a good tradeoff?

Or maybe my brain has wound itself back a year. No, I don't want to repeat 2007! NO!!!!!!

The Dick Clark New Year's show this year was really, really good. Fergie and will.i.am prove that the Black Eyed Peas are real, true performers live. Well, real and true mean the same thing (shit) but, (wow, Japanese grammar comma use) considering the MyHumps-reputation they have right now it's a very good thing to see those two go out and just kick ass. will.i.am especially, because his lead single absolutely bombed. But ignoring that, they were just really great. Did you know the Black Eyed Peas do have a reputation for having very good live shows? Before Fergie was added to the group and they got really famous, that's what they were primarily known for. They always played with a live band, and they probably stole the show during many an opening act. Seeing will.i.am actually being able to sing well made me really happy. And Fergie? Wow.

But yeah. The ski trip was pretty nice except for the horrendous cold going up the lifts. HO-rrendous. Left everybody pretty tired. Also, more moguls would've been nice, but I think those have fallen out of fashion or something. Don't know. It's so fun just to fly off a mogul when you're supposed to weave your way around them... I mean, what fun is weaving when you have to weave on ice? Yeesh, leave that to the seals and walruses and Walors. I'm no St. John's Prep Ski Team champion, for sure. But the random Kid's Funland glade or whatever was really fun, funny and... knee? Breaking. If you weren't careful. That would suck! No, actually, me Greg and Rakesh got lost because we followed a path that looked taken, but, damn you Robby Frost, it suddenly stopped being taken. New Hampshire mysteries. No, but it was really fun. Lots of random bumps and random bumps. Those are the best parts of ski trails! Even though they may not be on the trail...

The Iowa primary happened and the media still is the worst thing in the world. I've thought enough about this recently and I think that's the strongest opinion I have about it; I don't want to address the actual meat of the topic because that's been left out too long to rot. Seriously, I've heard enough of myself talking about it ugh .

I'm tired, but something in me woke up. Do I have to be tired for that something to wake up? I've been spending a lot of time trying to get it to wake up without me lacking sleep, and I think one way is a lot of physical exercise. but enjoyable physical exercise, and I haven't had time to hang around the DDR mat enough in order to get reacquainted with it. Whatever. This something in me isn't completely important.

Wow, that freewrite led to somewhere. Hmm.

Welcome to 2008. We will enjoy our stay.