The break of dawn

I guess there is a reason that I'm back to where I was a year ago at this time, scratch that, a year and a month ago. I was waiting for the next thing to happen, sitting up at my computer searching for my soul. But not really. Now I feel closer to it. After not listening to it in December I've learned the hard way that sometimes you really need to just listen to your heart. Heart and soul, heart or soul, whatever. That's why I started a whole new blog called "heart freewrites" [/plug]; to address the subject. And to really get closer to what I'm feeling inside, so that the artist in me can recover and fill me up with spirit again. Not just any spirit. Not spirit absorbed from elsewhere. Not spirit absorbed from doing many various things. In Paris people just did what was there and they were like do whatever and you'll be happy because you're in Paris. It's not about the spirit of the city. It's about your spirit deep inside. And mine wasn't feeling the city landscape and lifescape of Paris.

Sometimes when I listen to music I hear more when it's at a lower volume. Why is that? Because I'm hearing partially what I want to hear. And that leads me to a deeper concentration. There's a big problem nowadays in that "hearing what you want to hear" has a negative connotation. Sometimes you need to hear yourself out. In fact always you need to hear yourself out. It's probably said that the news media only tells people what they want to hear. Well, no, I think people want to hear a lot more and then get muted by the media. The media claims (I claim the right to think of "media" as a singular noun) an authority over knowledge and derives an authority over speech. It's this claim I can't stand and it's why I really can't stand listening to Fox News blaring from the TVs (wish it weren't plural) in the combined kitchen and living room area. It's just too much. Or it's been too much ever since, what, high school? Usually I could get along with all that noise. That's because I was really tuned into myself, I guess. But I never really spoke out what was on my mind.

I fear for the day when I really feel the need to speak out what's in my heart at a time where it doesn't fit to speak out. Or do I fear that day? Maybe not anymore. High school was such a scarier time. Then again, many things were scary when I was abroad. Even in Japan I was constantly in action, which is probably why I couldn't ever find the time to relax and completely contemplate what I should do whether to go back for another semester or go to Paris.

At least I have the time to relax now. Time to end the stress of the previous semesters and to prepare for the oncoming onslaught of the ones that'll follow. Even if the courses aren't too hard I know I'll make them hard for myself, so I've gotta prepare. Luckily I've put two phys-ed classes on the table, and those will force my brain to take a backseat and beg for attention. My brain probably has too many useless nerve cells that have all been firing, it's like the parts of your immune system that overfire and cause allergic reactions. An internal firestorm. Not cool.

And I'm learning ways to have fun again. Or having fun again, rather, on my own. That's an important step I'm finally taking. Letting my hair down. When your hair's been fired up from the electric shock that's conducted by the magnetic field created by the exciting environments around you plus your own excitement, you need to work really hard to get it down or reduce the field. And I have completely lessened the field now, though it probably required going to the hospital and experiencing a fair amount of pain for nearly a week now to do that. But yeah, looking forward to a summer of video games and some homework and classes. Right now I can't stop myself from trying to study Japanese and make good DDR steps. But the key to studying Japanese and making DDR steps that are actually good is to enjoy it, unleash your imagination and let it out to run free. And do ridiculous shit.

About three years ago when I had to memorize the verb "oriru" which means "to get off" as in "to get off a train or a bus," I memorized it by telling myself that "rire" means "laugh" in French and that this verb is funny because it makes me think of the sexual sense of "getting off" and that wouldn't be good on a train either, and that thought makes me laugh. So I remembered the verb, and when I forgot it, I remembered the trick. Awesome.

So Mark Bellhorn's batting about .284 in AAA. This is a sign that things are on the up, for me, for the baseball world, for the world. Go Bellhorn!

And I'm getting off. oriru