Doctor Check

It's about time I saw a general doctor, one that could solve all my problems. Because they're all tiny, but they're just kind of there. And I might as well get them fixed while I'm young, or for the less permanent ones I should get them fixed as soon as possible. Let's start at my feet. The feet are the foundation, of course.

Foot 1 (左足, the left): Well, so one day I was being rather Filipino and I was dancing, mimicking my grandmother a little, and guess what, I brought my foot hard down upon one of the chairs in my kitchen and boom. Now my second toe on my left foot leans to the left side, which actually might have resulted in me cracking the third toenail when I had to stop suddenly in Carrefour (lousy French supermarket, they're all lousy though) because the soles of my shoes are all torn up. My dad told me I might as well get it fixed while I'm still young.
Foot 2 (右足, the right): Well, this one's different. You know how everyone has a callus on the outer side of their big toe? Well, I have that, plus this weird small bump where part of the surface hurts very, very much if I touch it. I think it's a "corn" but I don't really know what that is. My doctor could tell me. Would that be acceptable nowadays in the world of complicated-ass medical care management? Like, just during an appointment for something else that wasn't a medical checkup, like the next time I get an ear infection if there is one? Could I just phone in and ask? I'd be better off asking Rakesh's dad, actually. Or my mom. I remember her rubbing lotion on her feet when I was a kid, she probably knows everything about them. Actually, when I put that corn remover thing on it to see if it worked, well, it might've, because since then it has apparently gotten less severe. Well, let me put another one on. Okay, there.

(I put the thing on after typing "Okay, there.")

Mouth: So I got a gum infection right before I left Japan. I freaked out because I had no idea what it was, maybe a tumor??? Apparently not, since ever since I got back to Paris and used mouthwash it receded. My mom told me to still go find a dentist because that could lead to a blood infection, like the one that killed my uncle. Uh... I still haven't made the appointment. But the bump totally isn't there anymore. Still, it's been replaced with an awkward patch of "help, I'm trying to recover from bacterial invasion"... Also, ever since I returned from Japan in December it's happened to me 3 or 4 times that my jaw just starts hurting really badly around my tooth or something. This obviously comes from stress, but it's still a big question mark that I never went to see the dentist about. I just waited 'til it went away and it did, given more sleep. But still...

Mind: Ah, this is the freewrite part.

Where on earth am I? the ever repeating question. Is what I'm saying sincere? the other ever repeating question. Especially after everything that's happened here, it's become very important. Listen. I think that we all have some sort of act. Making jokes in itself is an act, no matter how small the joke is. And via that act or by playing that role you inevitably break someone's rule about what's honest, or what your role is. Maybe I'm just trying to defend myself from... myself, or a future opponent. But I have been thinking about this on and off. Oh, man, what was the thing I came up with?

I watched my housemate refuse to answer his phone twice when my other housemate (who was drunk) called him. The latter has the tendency to be aggressive when he's drunk, and it is annoying. Then housemate one, when housemate two came upstairs to greet us at Starbucks all of a sudden (to ask if we wanted to go eat dinner), proceeded to outright lie very easily and pretend like he had his phone in his bag the whole time, when he had just put it there. Then he went as far as saying he was just about to take the phone out of the bag to see if he got a call from housemate two. I don't know how good I feel about that. It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, but honestly that's not the kind of person I could pair myself up with for life. Because I see some of that in myself, and I don't like it.

There's nobody you can really trust to tell yourself if you're being honest except yourself. Check that, there's nobody you should really trust. Friends can help you out, but from then on you have to solve the problem, or they'll call you for plaigarism on the exam. Your own solution, please. I guess that's how I feel about my approach to the question and what I've learned about answering it.

Is what I'm saying even understandable about being honest or why there's a question about it or vague spots? I guess what I'm saying is that if you seek a doctor, he won't necessarily tell you the right answer, but you should still go. Just as people around you won't necessarily give you the right advice, but it helps to talk about it. But talk needs to be followed by an action.

Next time I'll be the one who takes the action first.

Longing. Shorting

I guess all I wanted was to be forgiven - for it to be acknowledged that I did something wrong and to be forgiven. It was never acknowledged that I did something wrong. Now it is, oh boy, and I won't be forgiven for awhile. Does that ever happen to you?

I'm waiting for my flight to Japan. I have a complicated enough situation to explain that I might not be permitted to enter, or re-enter, that is. My student visa wasn't crossed out - why not, guys? It's not valid anymore; I'm not enrolled at a Japanese university. So I'm gonna have to explain that, plus the fact that I want to return so soon for a vacation. Plus that I'm staying over my (non-Japanese) friend's house whose address I wrote down and then forgot to bring. Ugh, horrible. Actually, the irony of it is that I might have thrown the paper in the art history notes that I packed.

This, my current situation where um I'm apparently never seeing or communicating with someone again, is probably good for me in the long run. But in the 3-month run it might not be very good. I'm hoping it is, though. But honestly I hate it when shit like this happens. This is only the second time in my life it's happened really. Did he have to lose patience with me? I'm still angry about it. Told him I'm a different person when I'm tired, but he forgot... whatever, we'd only ever met up like 7 times. How can you understand or know a person after only having seen them 7 times? You can't.

That's why this feels like it ended so prematurely. I guess it's really over.

This is so fucking lame I can't believe I'm still thinking about it. No wonder I was so good academically senior year and so bad at college interviews despite the preforeseen, almost obligatory senior slide: I had to turn to something, and academics were there. Now they're not the only thing, I'm glad. The bad at college interviews part, though... I don't think that would be a problem nowadays. Luckily a lot of grad schools don't care for interviews. They care for essays, though...

But since I care about my future and I've had it with this bullshit, well, I'm angry, and I'm going to do something about it this time around.



This is kind of the way in which I was typing that night. Fuck Internet communication. Fuck any communication that isn't face-to-face. It just doesn't work if you aren't close enough people and nobody understands each other that way.

But that doesn't mean you can't be understanding and considerate. Unbelievable. He'd had enough of that, I guess. And now, me too.

It's done. And I will hopefully sleep this whole plane flight. If he could see how tired I was now... I would punch him in the face.