Holy Tits, Batman!

In last 10 seconds, I have conceived and trademarked the phrase that entitles this post. It is now my goal to make it the hip catchphrase of 2007. If I accomplish that goal, I will simitaneously become famous, popular, and laid (three states that somehow elluded me in high school.) I also uttered the phrase when I came to my attention that I have a serious enigma in my life. An enigma that seems to have captured the minds of millions upon billions of other people on this planet. An enigma and that some people fear is a flaw and should be wiped out of existence.

I believe in God.

Something is askewww (as I make hand gestures like the great Lewis Black). At this point, my education at an institution of higher learning should have negated my belief in an omnipotent deity. If not that, the rebelliousness brought upon by my teenage years should have definitely caused a denial of the ridculous notion that a god could exist. What about the unimaginable stupidity shown by some people of faith in these times? Without question, that should push me away from following any religious doctrine. And "Are We Done Yet" was not only made, but made $10 million! Clearly, there can be no god.

And yet, here I am. Praying to a unseen deity every evening. Going to a Bible study every Monday so that I gain a better understanding of a mysterious series of sixty-six books. Going to church every Sunday to meet with people who appear to be as delusional as I am. And yet, I can't stop. And I probably won't stop for the rest of my life. And now, I have to find out why.

Maybe it's because of my Christian upbringing. Maybe I've been hardwired from birth to believe that God is an all-powerful heavenly figure, even though in reality He may be nothing more than an imaginary friend that some people created long ago and that some people use to obtain money. But almost everyday (yes, everyday), I hear that people's upbringing (whether it be Catholic, Islamic, or Pastafanistic) is the direct result of their current atheism. They claim that an education and common sense has turned them away from believing in God. And they appear angry and full of disdain for being misled. But I have an education. I have common sense. I am trying to apply these things to religion. And I'm not angry! Well maybe a little bit. But this notion in God and his power persist. This clearly isn't it. There has to be another reason.

Okay, surely the idiocy shown by other people of faith in the political realm would turn me away. Hell, some people in power follow their faith so blindly that will willingly destroy all life on this planet (all 7 billion people) as we know it because they believe in some form of the apocalypse that will bring some form of salvation to humanity. Hell, people in the Christian faith (my faith) will oppress a substatial portion of the population because they read something as a sin out of context that is mentioned twice (yes, twice) in the entire Bible. Hell, many people of the Christian faith are turning this country backward as we speak. But I still believe. Maybe it's because almost every Christian I've known in my life has expressed more love than hate. Obviously, there are more than a few types of Christians out there. There are obviously more than a few types of people out there. Oddly enough, my Christian faith has just prevented me from falling to the unintelligent black hole that is generalizations. Okay, whatever associations religion has with politics won't turn me away either.

Maybe I'm not being as drawn towards Christianity as I am being drawn away from atheism. Now, all my free time at college has afforded me the opportunity to find an exobinant amount of useless information on the Web. Oddly enough, much of the information that has attracted me has been of the atheistic persuasion. However, of all I know about how bad people of faith can be, I can safely say that atheists can be just as bad. Can be! Can be. I know not all atheists are as bad as the ones I am about to mention. For instance, Richard Dawkins is an extremely intelligent man of science, but not even he is immune to logical fallacies and almost unbearable conviction that he is, and always will be, right. I've seen atheists pervert the messages and themes of the Bible so badly on YouTube and the Internet Movie Database that I want to live in a monastery. Hell, I'll even put them in the same category as the Religious Right (or whatever that stupid blanket term entails.) Not only that, but the anger, smugness, and overwhelmingly disdainful ways in which some atheists present their arguments make me want to staple my eyes shut and glue pencils in my ears. However, I don't want to abide by the Christian faith because it is the lesser of two evils (it's an expression, I don't mean it literally.) There has to be something else that keeps me in my Christian ways.

I don't know...wait that's it! I don't know! I don't know what compels me to be a Christian. Maybe it's that's nice soft safety blanket that Christian provides that gives me the answers that others can't.

Oh, but others can! We didn't plop down out of the sky 6,000 years ago like the Bible said. The whole world wasn't flooded like the story of Noah said. How could God just crap all over Job just to settle a wager with the Devil. Outside of 33 Gospels and ambiguous Roman records, we have no proof that Jesus ever existed. So how can you know that God exists?

Exactly. I don't know. Do you?

(And don't think for a second that Christianity gives me a safety blanket. If anything, being a Christian has given me far more excrutiating questions than easy answers.) Despite the complexity of religion, it's very simple. I don't know. You don't know. I quote one of my favorite writers when I say, "We don't know anything". I don't where life begins, and I don't know where life ends. I don't know why the planet Earth ended up the in perfect place in the galaxy and in the perfect distance from the sun to support creatures intelligent enough to question their own existence. And you know what, those are the only questions that matter.

But why Christianity? What makes those answers more satisfactory than another of the other ones?

Look back at all the things I mentioned. People are angry. People are vengeful. People are ready, willing, and stupid enough kill themselves and others just to get what they want. People can't respect each others differences. And I didn't even mention hunger, povert, war, and the rest of the things in this world of shit we inhabit. And as much as I want and need to help, I'm just one person. And I can't stop them all. And it feels like no one will stop them all. And I just want to get out of this shit, but I can't. And I can't take it anymore! And...

And there's God. He never goes away. He's still piquing my brain. Despite everything that tells me I'm a fucking lunatic for believing in a supposed, unseen big man in the sky, God is there. And He keeps me at peace. And if God can do that, I'm pretty sure God can do anything, even in these trying times.

Holy tits, indeed...