Fucking dancers

Fuck them.

They're better than me at one of the few things I want to be good at but I'm not because I haven't had the opportunity to be it, and they take my heart and leave it for shit. Fuck you. I make your music.

aliens

I had a realization this morning. What would DDR play like if people had 4 legs, like aliens? Of course, you'd think having 4 panels would be too little, but there's a game called Dance 98.6 or something by Konami that uses 2 arrows only. Kind of for beginners. But what kind of movements would there be? It would be interesting to try doing Double (the 2-pad mode) on my hands and feet and see what the result is. (Not without something to protect my wrists first, of course.)

I don't like when people call me psychotic or desperate, even if it's meant to be light. But I just realized my Facebook status (where I got called the latter) might make some feel rather defenseless. You're applying to 17 grad-schools?? What?? Well, I didn't intend to do alarm with my status, but I guess that can serve as my fuck-you to this school for this semester, where I basically felt defenseless and alien the whole time. What a piece of shit semester. But now I'm out of the muck, stronger. Thanks God (like Lola said in the Tanks video) for Thanksgiving break. I feel pretty fucking invincible.

Plus I finally started gaining weight. I don't know how that happened, considering I ate an average of 2.3 meals a day over break (compared to the usual 3) and only 2 meals today. They weren't much bigger meals than usual either. But yeah, all the working out is finally starting to show.

I feel bold. Well, no, I don't feel bold. I guess I feel more refinedly vocal. Man, that last slice of whole wheat bread tasted uneventful.

I'm meeting with this kid who wants to study in the study abroad program I had in Paris on Thursday. He got my name from the local program director and wanted to hear my feedback. This should be entertaining, and I say that with a touch of positivity rather than the usual negativity you'd hear in that statement. People are really tired right now and aren't hearing positivity in anything though. So they don't catch my positive tone. But this is where I wage war. Finals time. And my force is larger than 300 (Hz) so don't worry. Well, by wage war I mean "have fun." Wage war sounds bad.

By the way, really waging war isn't fun. It's stupid. And this kid who I was friends with up until 9th grade when we just didn't hang out with each other anymore, well, I heard he's joining the army. Why?

I realize now that I guess it's because his father (grandfather?) was in the Air Force. That doesn't mean you have to continue the cycle.

As I fully intend NOT to do. My father and my grandfather both spent time in the armed forces. My granddad was a WWII vet. My dad's a Vietnam vet. Thank God he got kicked out of the navy for being a shitty officer.

I am not being an Iran vet. Man, I hate how the anti-war left has been muted by Obama. YOU COULD PROTEST THESE THINGS BEFORE THEY HAPPEN THIS TIME!!!

Yeah that's how I spit it. Peace

Moon of dreams

Alex got rejected tonight. Fail.

You know, my sister and I have a lot in common, or at least we're starting to have more in common or I'm starting to realize it more. I don't know. But we have this thing where we start talking out loud to ourselves and others in third person when things feel awkward or we're feeling down.

We also have a common loneliness. I gave her a pep talk tonight about college before I went to a Halloween dance and got rejected after dancing real close with this one guy, who I basically went to the entire party for. Fuck this

My patience is killing me. I probably shouldn't have waited this long to start dating or going on the prowl, although for obvious reasons it was a safer thing to wait. And besides, I didn't even wait the full period - in Paris I let that guard down and I slipped and fell. How was I supposed to know the road was slippery, though?

I have to be honest, right now I'm down for anything, no matter how quick the other guy wants to round the bases. But right now my OBP is .000, and when I got on, it was a reached-on-error both times.

Down for anything except being left for nothing.

At ease, brain.
At ease, heart.

Goodnight, moon.

Ghosts

When people turn into ghosts, you can't help but get the feeling you are one too.

To quote my friend's song,

they'll seek me in the country
they'll find me in the woods
they know that i'll keep running while they're up to no good
they'll know my name
yes they will know my name

Ghosts.

Haha, I just wanted to quote her song. She doesn't know I'm doing this, I love the song and I'm playing it right now.

But the sentence at the top is mine, and it's what I'm thinking about right now. I just damn felt like a ghost... these past two days.

Forget it.

Square one.

A familiar place. Just not on Tuesday mornings.

That motherfucker wouldn't call me back or take the time to choose between confirming and denying my facebook friend request, so I pulled the friend request. I should probably block him too, which I had to do in order to drop the request anyway.

I forgot that good love relationships probably don't start with a drunk moment. Doesn't matter who was or wasn't drunk. Of course he wouldn't call me back. But whatever happened to at least giving me the light of day?

Whatever. I don't have the time to wait for myself to feel needier and needier. Shithead.

Maybe in the morning my abstract algebra will solve itself...

until then, another Friday where I hope to receive love. Wait, I've got the time in the wrong order. Unfortunately, so does my imagination.

Can't wait for love... but why is it so hard to meet people who really want it? everyone needs it...

Well well

So many various things to do. And no real pattern to them except the arbitrary direction, in a world of 10+ dimensions, known as forward. Choose grad schools. Write essay for NSF scholarship. Make resume. Transfer credit. Study for, and later take GRE subject test. Choose a field that I'd like to specialize in (it will probably be functional analysis or something along those lines--functions are very, very fun, even when they get complex). Grade homework for an applied calculus class - it's 1:26 AM and I have to figure out how to do this and grade all of it and sleep, literally, a half-decent amount before 9:30. Write a summary in Japanese of a reading passage. Attend three classes tomorrow, including Pilates - I really hope I don't cramp up. And, the newest thing in my life, date guys.

Today I went for a quick date with a guy over lunch in between classes, and I just felt no vibe. He was intelligent, but the conversation was boring (when he said he didn't have a sense of humor or something like that - I swear he did - I was like uh), and he was cute but it wasn't enough to overcome me not having anything in common with him. So when he asked me a few hours on Facebook if he wanted to do something later this week I basically replied telling him I wasn't interested, really carefully because he was a really nice guy and it was just a question of compatibility.

I met this guy (well, we weren't even introduced) through eye contact at a karaoke event and he facebook-found me. Luck of the people who wear Irish shirts even though they're not Irish? Maybe I should keep doing that.

I have a bad feeling this semester's schedule is unsustainable, though. I'm thinking of dropping my Nonlinear Dynamics/Chaos class (9:30 tues wednes and fri, ugh, and the class isn't completely easy) and replacing it with the C++ class that I'll need to take (ok, I could take something else but only if that's possible to find) for the math major. Or drop one of the PE classes. Dropping something is necessary (excepting wrangling with the dean to up my course load to 6 full classes, the two PE classes I'm taking count half) to get the C++ class in. If I don't, I have to take it next semester along with 2 other classes, which would prevent me from studying part-time (2 classes or less), which is much, much cheaper. But the question is - is that worth the stress? Or does that argument even make sense if I'd be dropping one of the classes?

I don't know. I'll find out I guess. I don't enjoy programming, though, so I can't imagine it being more fun than Chaos, but I have to do it eventually.

Shiiiit. So much variousness to contend with.

I want to sleep more, dammit. How, why does everyone act so superhuman here? I guess getting drunk a lot will help you overcome the embarrassment barrier. Maybe. I can't seem to drink on campus without getting depressed later and being unable to sleep, though. Alcohol is, after all, a depressant.

I guess I'm on fire in some ways, but I'm wary of my health becoming worse because of a schedule that would be unsustainable without me taking it out on my health, weight training, pilates and all. And the supposedly dangerous swine flu is supposedly going to strike.

I'm listening to a song from freshman year, back when life was simplest. It's not actually a song released that year, but I put it in my playlist that year for sure when a certain someone's younger brother gave me a compilation disc entitled "SONGS FOR WOMEN 2." Man, my back hasn't really felt right since about a week and a half before school started. Might wanna see someone about that. If time were there (er, thinking in Japanese).

That just gave me a thought in Japanese.
時間があると、時間が存在しないようになる人。そんな人を探しているかもしれない。
A person where, upon his having time, "time" seems to no longer exist. That's the kind of person I'm looking for, maybe.

It's too late for me to be having these thoughts, though. But only tonight is it too late.

The break of dawn

I guess there is a reason that I'm back to where I was a year ago at this time, scratch that, a year and a month ago. I was waiting for the next thing to happen, sitting up at my computer searching for my soul. But not really. Now I feel closer to it. After not listening to it in December I've learned the hard way that sometimes you really need to just listen to your heart. Heart and soul, heart or soul, whatever. That's why I started a whole new blog called "heart freewrites" [/plug]; to address the subject. And to really get closer to what I'm feeling inside, so that the artist in me can recover and fill me up with spirit again. Not just any spirit. Not spirit absorbed from elsewhere. Not spirit absorbed from doing many various things. In Paris people just did what was there and they were like do whatever and you'll be happy because you're in Paris. It's not about the spirit of the city. It's about your spirit deep inside. And mine wasn't feeling the city landscape and lifescape of Paris.

Sometimes when I listen to music I hear more when it's at a lower volume. Why is that? Because I'm hearing partially what I want to hear. And that leads me to a deeper concentration. There's a big problem nowadays in that "hearing what you want to hear" has a negative connotation. Sometimes you need to hear yourself out. In fact always you need to hear yourself out. It's probably said that the news media only tells people what they want to hear. Well, no, I think people want to hear a lot more and then get muted by the media. The media claims (I claim the right to think of "media" as a singular noun) an authority over knowledge and derives an authority over speech. It's this claim I can't stand and it's why I really can't stand listening to Fox News blaring from the TVs (wish it weren't plural) in the combined kitchen and living room area. It's just too much. Or it's been too much ever since, what, high school? Usually I could get along with all that noise. That's because I was really tuned into myself, I guess. But I never really spoke out what was on my mind.

I fear for the day when I really feel the need to speak out what's in my heart at a time where it doesn't fit to speak out. Or do I fear that day? Maybe not anymore. High school was such a scarier time. Then again, many things were scary when I was abroad. Even in Japan I was constantly in action, which is probably why I couldn't ever find the time to relax and completely contemplate what I should do whether to go back for another semester or go to Paris.

At least I have the time to relax now. Time to end the stress of the previous semesters and to prepare for the oncoming onslaught of the ones that'll follow. Even if the courses aren't too hard I know I'll make them hard for myself, so I've gotta prepare. Luckily I've put two phys-ed classes on the table, and those will force my brain to take a backseat and beg for attention. My brain probably has too many useless nerve cells that have all been firing, it's like the parts of your immune system that overfire and cause allergic reactions. An internal firestorm. Not cool.

And I'm learning ways to have fun again. Or having fun again, rather, on my own. That's an important step I'm finally taking. Letting my hair down. When your hair's been fired up from the electric shock that's conducted by the magnetic field created by the exciting environments around you plus your own excitement, you need to work really hard to get it down or reduce the field. And I have completely lessened the field now, though it probably required going to the hospital and experiencing a fair amount of pain for nearly a week now to do that. But yeah, looking forward to a summer of video games and some homework and classes. Right now I can't stop myself from trying to study Japanese and make good DDR steps. But the key to studying Japanese and making DDR steps that are actually good is to enjoy it, unleash your imagination and let it out to run free. And do ridiculous shit.

About three years ago when I had to memorize the verb "oriru" which means "to get off" as in "to get off a train or a bus," I memorized it by telling myself that "rire" means "laugh" in French and that this verb is funny because it makes me think of the sexual sense of "getting off" and that wouldn't be good on a train either, and that thought makes me laugh. So I remembered the verb, and when I forgot it, I remembered the trick. Awesome.

So Mark Bellhorn's batting about .284 in AAA. This is a sign that things are on the up, for me, for the baseball world, for the world. Go Bellhorn!

And I'm getting off. oriru